we are all different

I'm learning more as he grows who he is and what he knows. Hes changed so much and that is so. Hes developed some amazing skills, did you know? He's talking non stop and has made some "friends". He tries so hard to just fit in. He laughs and jokes and in a silly way he will make your heart smile if he may.

Many kids don't get him. "He's weird, He talks to much, hes just annoying, why don't he play like us, what is wrong with him?" These are all the things i have heard from children who should be just like him. It still bothers me yes but do i let consume me? No! For now i say he's a unique type he doesn't like to rough play, he likes to use his imagination, and plays pretend. he doesn't want to climb there and run with them" because he doesn't have the same development as most. his muscle tone is still weak. but, If you get to know him you will see what an amazing person he can be.

Parents stare and whisper still " whats wrong with that kid over there?" and yes i'm out spoken and will say He's amazing and unique in every single way!, he was born this way this is who he is whats wrong with him? Nothing at all hes amazing the way he is!"

Then the parents of children who are worst off then us tell me i'm lucky and how their children aren't anywhere close to him. That's the funny thing about this spectrum you see for each child is completely different and unique. I have learned to count my blessings and see things no one else can see. i have watched my child struggle just like others. He is verbal and very much so but he is awkward and doesn't understand like most children do. He has a hard time making friends, and doesn't realize it. because he is still young and really doesn't notice it. and sadly most people don't see it either because he is around the other children and not screaming to leave. but see this is the thing that is different about him he can be in a room with 20 kids and find the one adult to just talk with him. He doesn't want to play with the kids you see he doesn't want to play the games like they do.

but i am okay with all of this because you see this little boy is my everything. He is a fighter and stronger then me, he is amazing in everything!

its been a year

a year has come and gone now. geez i feel like i should update more. this past year has been busy. its been amazing though. Donovan has changed a lot and its all due to his services for ABA  he did a year of it and now its ended and not on our note of wanting it to. Donovan has learned to communicate his needs and wants learned to control his anger and to explain feelings. he is also showing empathy. which is amazing to me.

but its been two weeks since ending  and he is now relapsing with behaviors. anger outburst control issues and physical attacks again he is having alot of anxiety again and not wanting me to leave him i feel this is because the ending. he has gone from having people who he loves everyday with him to them being gone again. people vanish from us way to often and he is showing a major anxiety from it. we are working on it through. it still breaks my heart when he asks  me to call them or ask them to come over or " call Jerrod and maybe he will say he will be my therapist again" it hurts these people became like family to us. and now its gone. i hope connections stay but i am not sure i have to stay positive though

positives : he is going to be 5, he starts transitional kindergarten in the fall he has been making friends and now even says he has a best friend. he is gained a little weight hes now at 33lbs hes an amazing kid and has a great personality

what we've been up too.

Well we have been busy to say the least. Donovan is going to be 4 years old in just 3 months. We still have no services through Fresno unified and i am still trying to fight for a re evaluation. If i would have known it was going to be so hard to get him into proper services in the beginning i would have tried harder and not listened to the people who i thought had him in their best interest.
Donovan is still showing normal signs for autism spectrum disorder. but does not have classic autism. which is good in some ways and in others it just makes it even harder. Many people would like to pretend that this is just going to go away and he will be a perfectly normal kid. heck times i wake up and wish the same thing. how awesome would it be to wake up and him be perfectly normal no problems be a typical developing almost 4 year old. heck i would jump for joy. but i know this is never happening. i know he is not normal. he has some issues that we are going to try to help him adjust with. its still hard on me to really take it all in. who wants to believe their kid isnt completely normal? i mean i know hes normal for who he is. but hes not the same as other kids. I still have anxiety attacks when i have to take him out somewhere by myself. i am scared of what people are going to say or going to do. the looks they give us. It takes a lot for me to admit this. I thought i was stronger then this but i realize the way people act when around him makes me so mad i want to scream and yell and go crazy sometimes. i want to freak out. i know i cant... and i know i have to be calm and just ignore it because they are not informed but sometimes its harder then it sounds....

So currently Donovan is getting Occupational therapy and speech therapy through children's hospital. we are not as concerned about his speech. he does have a good range of vocabulary. He does have some problems with articulation and that is going to be worked on also. Occupational therapy has been kinda use less to me.. the things they do are things that i already do at home.

Our newest thing is ABA... i am excited about this. I believe this is going to help him more then anything else. I cant wait. we had our intakes and today had our first clinic visit. I went to the office and we went over our plan for him. I am so excited!!!! I am a little hesitant about how things are going to go. he seems to have bonded with them well so thats good but im not to sure how hes going to do once they start to try to structure things and force him to do things he doesnt want to do.
He is still being very physical and maybe its even worst then it was. he bites and pinches and scratches and will pull hair. he also becomes angry very fast and doesnt communicate what is wrong or what is frustrating him.he also isnt potty trained still.

we have high hopes for the outcome. and hopefully this fall he will start school.

coping

through it all my husband has had hope. everything will work out Donvoan will be "normal". He has a reason for everything and has always believed that things will change and our little boy will be a normal little boy

Last night i was laying in bed and he was playing with donovan. Donovan started to get over stimulated and Steven picked him up and looked at him and said " whats wrong donovan" and his face dropped he looked at me with this horrible sad face. He then continues to tell me have you noticed after the tubes were put in he started talking so much more. and now hes stopped again. hes just at a stand still. and i told him yea i know. and he continues with he thought he would still be talking more and doing more.

i looked at him and told him well you know honey sooner or later you will see that Donovan is not a normal little boy. He is not your typical child. He has some problems. and getting his ears fixed wasn't going to fix it all like they tried to tell us and give us endless hope.
He looked at me with the saddest look on his face ever and said I know, I've known this, its just hard


I think for the first time ever my husband has really come to realize what i have been saying. and in away its heart breaking. its almost like he has given up hope. I know he hasn't but it's what it feels like. My husband is a very optimistic person. and for him to agree with this is something very huge. He has always had the hope that Donovan would over come this. I sadly think he is realizing this is our life. and its not just going to go away.

so many people dont realize what its like to have a child with a learning disability. and for a child to have PDD-NOS is hard. Its hard on the child and the hole family. We all take things differently. We all cope with this differently. 


For myself I cried endlessly for the first month. Then i became the fighter i am now. I went through alot of phases but i believe i am past those. I felt like i lost my child. i felt like i was a horrible parent i felt like it had to be my fault. I still have some days where i cry and where i feel lost. but i know everything is the way it is for a reason.


My daughter almost 6 years old has delt with this in a very amazing way. She doesnt understand it 100% but she loves her little brother through it all. She wants to protect him and guide him and she wants for him to be an amazing person. She is a wonderful big sister and always has been. She is the most caring big sister you could ever meet. She has never expressed any sadness about the way her brother is. but wants to teach others about it every chance she gets. often we have to tell her not to introduce her brother as "my autistic brother" she wants people to know. Maybe she see's it as a gift and a blessing. She wants to grow up to be a special education teacher. I'm not sure if she understands 100% what that is. but i believe she will make an amazing teacher some day. 


I love our son. through this all he is an amazing child. he teaches me things everyday. and shows me a new way of looking at life everyday. He is strong and brave (sometimes to much). He is loving and caring. he is perfectly amazing. 


I love you Donovan Eli 

the roller coaster

The Rollercoaster

By Cara Raley

Many people who have a special needs child know that it’s challenging, time consuming, heart breaking fearful, and a rollercoaster. I have had to learn this myself. Parenthood isn’t a walk in the park or a piece of cake like I thought it was going to be. We’ve gone through changes, heart breaking moments, and pure fear. How long is this going to last? What does it mean? Will this change his whole life?

The emotional aspect is the hardest part to overcome. The shock comes fast once you realize your child is special needs. This is normally followed by disbelief. This has to be wrong! How could it happen to my baby? Sadness normally fallows shortly after. The tears will fall and you might even start to grieve. What would you grieve for? Maybe the loss of what you thought was “normal”. After these moments of sadness you will start to grow. Your broken heart starts to mend. You now start to be okay with it. This is accepting it. After you can accept everything that has been handed to you, you start to live for it. Yes some might think it has overcome you and you are just too into it. At this point you are now your child’s advocate! From here it doesn’t get easier, but it’s well worth it!

Helping your child is another rollercoaster. The things you go through to help your child. The therapy can be hard and at times you might not understand why you are doing this to your child. Never give up on your child. They need you to be strong. Try finding something that helps them. Understand that some things they can’t help but doing. Remember that if you aren’t feeling good about the help they are providing, to voice it. They can’t tell you if something is helping or not.

As a mother of a special needs child I’ve gone through all this, and have learned each day is going to be different. Each day can be harder than the last. The love for my child has changed me and built me into a stronger woman. I’m still learning each day. I’m still learning how to deal with the rollercoaster of life with a special needs child.

I have no family support with what is going on with my son. I do this alone with help from his father but no support outside of the home. I have struggled and faught to find a way to make people understand and support our little guy. This has not worked. I suggest if you have a family or friend like this to sadly not bring them into this aspect of your child’s life. That is now where I am. I do not express the progress with these people anymore. 

October 2010

Its been a long month, a few things have changed. Donovan is now talking more! It's great. He has a good 30 words! He is considered a sensory seeker. and has sensory issues. we knew this already but it was confirmed when he seen a OT. I am happy to say we are getting better with biting. We have alot of issues to still over come but we are slowly over coming them. He starts school next week! we are so excited and i cant wait. All our work is starting to level out! Life is starting to be come alot easier on us all

Things are going

It's took what feels like along time, but things are finally starting to happen. We have pushed for his doctor to do the hearing test at the hospital just to make sure his little ears are fine. We met his teacher and will start home visits soon. After a few weeks we are going to start classes. We are all excited about this.

It's hard to explain to people that have shown no support. I feel like i have to defend us when we are around them. I feel like I am fighting these "family" members to prove that this is real. So many people don't realize what we are going through.

I have been looking for something to blame, Some reason behind all this. For some reason it has been killing me. Not knowing what causes this. I know its such a mystery in its self. No one can give us a answer to what caused our little boy to be autistic.. Was it shots? Was it the wreck? Is it the foods he eats? Is it something i have done? Who knows?

Now thinking this over and over and trying to play out every step of the past few years in my head I am at lost. I really don't know what has caused it, But now I'm starting to realize, It doesn't matter what caused it, All that matters is I have this little boy that I love more then life and I have to fight for him. I have to fight for his rights. I have to push for his needs I have to be his advocate! And that is what I am.