First few weeks...

The First few weeks have been hell. Who knew one little evaluation would change the way i think, the way i feel, the way i teach and the way i support? Who knew that one little evaluation would change how i would see this world and the people in it. How i would see the people who i thought were family...


Aug 12 2010 Changed my life i was not prepared for what was going to happen that day. I dont think anyone can prepare you for this... A million questions are asked.. By many different people of different standards and different back grounds. They watched they played and we talked... it was determined that my little boy was "eligible" for services. He Failed the M-Chat test... What is this? I remember being in a fog for the first week. I couldnt remember everything they told me... I was in shock, fear, and i hated myself... No one understood this.. Why would i hate myself for this?


You know when you have that baby and your holding him for the first time, you count every finger and toe. you look at him and thank god he was brought to you so perfect.... and he was... he was so perfect... everything about him, Everything you dreamed of... everything you wished for..blonde hair blue eyes... perfect size... heaven...


This is why i hated myself.. he was so perfect.. this monster creeped up on us and hid inside his head... what did i do  to my son to cause this? You know thats the very first thing the doctors told me " mommy you didnt cause this, Dont think you did its hard wired into their little heads" but it still comes up.. could i have done something different? could i have protected him from this?


Life is trying... its very hard... God only knows how many tears i have shed from this.. But at least i finally have a few answers for the questions i have been asking since he was a year old.. Why isn't he talking? why wont he look at me.. I remember the first time i thought that.. I was nursing him and he would not stare at me.. No eye contact.. i felt like he hated me.. Why would my little boy not look me in the eye while i fed him? I tried everything i could think of to get him to look at me.. i wanted that connection so bad.. Not saying he wouldnt look at me at all cause he would.. for a few seconds.. then turn away.. he wouldn't fall asleep staring in my eyes though.. ah that i wish i could have... Still to this day i wish i could lay there and look into his eyes and him into mine and find that little boy that i know is in there some where..


He didnt clap his hands tell he was 15 months.. do u realize how one little thing could set off a million concerns in your brain at once? Just clap i would ask him.. please clap like this and i would show him and he had no interest... I remember the first time he did.. I cried... i waited so long to hear that sound... i was so excited and happy..


So back to current day... he is 25 months and was just diagnosed with autism. He failed his M-chat test ( Modified checklist for autism in toddlers) He failed it 16/23 he failed 5/6 critical. he is close to a year behind on everything.
But we have hope.. I think thats the only thing keeping me going.
What we do next?
we are going to start classes... this will be exciting for us. we are going to have a great time doing this i believe. I realized i would do anything for this little boy. I am putting off my life to do this for him. Not many understand this, This child is my last.. he was my Miracle before he was born...I thought he was gone at 20 weeks and god still gave him to me..


I keep telling myself everyday, That god only gives the special needs children to parents that specially need them. I have been asked what that means.To me it means you weren't hole without this child in your life, You needed this child to change your life, This child has become your life. God only trusts the ones he knows will do perfect by this child, And I am one of those chosen parents