coping

through it all my husband has had hope. everything will work out Donvoan will be "normal". He has a reason for everything and has always believed that things will change and our little boy will be a normal little boy

Last night i was laying in bed and he was playing with donovan. Donovan started to get over stimulated and Steven picked him up and looked at him and said " whats wrong donovan" and his face dropped he looked at me with this horrible sad face. He then continues to tell me have you noticed after the tubes were put in he started talking so much more. and now hes stopped again. hes just at a stand still. and i told him yea i know. and he continues with he thought he would still be talking more and doing more.

i looked at him and told him well you know honey sooner or later you will see that Donovan is not a normal little boy. He is not your typical child. He has some problems. and getting his ears fixed wasn't going to fix it all like they tried to tell us and give us endless hope.
He looked at me with the saddest look on his face ever and said I know, I've known this, its just hard


I think for the first time ever my husband has really come to realize what i have been saying. and in away its heart breaking. its almost like he has given up hope. I know he hasn't but it's what it feels like. My husband is a very optimistic person. and for him to agree with this is something very huge. He has always had the hope that Donovan would over come this. I sadly think he is realizing this is our life. and its not just going to go away.

so many people dont realize what its like to have a child with a learning disability. and for a child to have PDD-NOS is hard. Its hard on the child and the hole family. We all take things differently. We all cope with this differently. 


For myself I cried endlessly for the first month. Then i became the fighter i am now. I went through alot of phases but i believe i am past those. I felt like i lost my child. i felt like i was a horrible parent i felt like it had to be my fault. I still have some days where i cry and where i feel lost. but i know everything is the way it is for a reason.


My daughter almost 6 years old has delt with this in a very amazing way. She doesnt understand it 100% but she loves her little brother through it all. She wants to protect him and guide him and she wants for him to be an amazing person. She is a wonderful big sister and always has been. She is the most caring big sister you could ever meet. She has never expressed any sadness about the way her brother is. but wants to teach others about it every chance she gets. often we have to tell her not to introduce her brother as "my autistic brother" she wants people to know. Maybe she see's it as a gift and a blessing. She wants to grow up to be a special education teacher. I'm not sure if she understands 100% what that is. but i believe she will make an amazing teacher some day. 


I love our son. through this all he is an amazing child. he teaches me things everyday. and shows me a new way of looking at life everyday. He is strong and brave (sometimes to much). He is loving and caring. he is perfectly amazing. 


I love you Donovan Eli